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Lycanthropy Journal

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I suppose I should start writing something about this experience, if for nothing else but to calm my own mind. I don't regret what happened to get me here; when you sign up for the Night Watch, peril's part of the entry fee, and nobody can expect to win every fight. What regrets I have at the moment mostly revolve around not getting involved sooner when the attack happened, and the risk that that put Ernest and Caius at. I promised to take care of them, and I came very close to failing that promise.

I can't be expected to be everywhere, but as Endymion said regarding Robert, nothing will quell the dark thoughts. As it stands, all three of us are possibly exposed to lycanthropy, and I'm worried that there'll be larger dues to pay later. If something happens to them, I don't know I'll be able to get over it... I promised Ernest-that-was that I'd care for Ernest-that-Is, and Caius as well. And I've been doing that, or so I think, but ultimately I suppose that's not my success to judge. Still, I like to think I've been there for them, and am a positive influence in their lives. I swore an honorbound debt. Until they release me or one of us passes on, I'm bound by the pact. I would be lying if I said I wasn't worried about becoming a father figure for both...but at the sametime, it'd be nice, give me a mission while I was here.If nothing else, protect those two. They always have a friend in me. And I will move heaven and earth for their safety as much as I can. They're the world. To me.

On to me, I'm worried about my possible lycanthropy. So far I've been told I'm save and have no reaction to silver, so that's good, but I'm still worried about something like the Black Moon occuring again and affecting me. Its probably just paranoia, the scoobies know their craft. Still, I'd feel a lot safer without that thing running around at night; I put a bullet in it but while it slowed it down, and it clearly didn't like it, it still threw me into a wall and I got three cracked ribs, a broken ulna, and a bunch of bruises. It also tore through my armor. I've had it repaired, but I should probably look into getting trauma plates added. to the armor. If I'm alive.

The Scoobies said none of us are infected with lycanthropy to their best judgment, but have invited those of us attacked to attend the Sportsplex for free for two nights to keep us contained. I'm going, and I'm going to try to get Caius and Ernest there with me. They both will need a friend...and whether I want to remember, I've been through this before, so I should be able to offer some solace if things do go bad. I just hope neither of them goes feral entirely, or presents a risk such that they need to be put down. That'd be a failure of my lifebond.

Honestly, thinking back, I've done some shitty things on K. Standout events include the event with Magpie getting Endymion in trouble, getting Dawn's Robjeet killed, drowning Jeremiah. Shooting Kaga. Putting the artifact piece on the ship during the first Orbock plot. I really hope that this is all understood by Athene that it wasn't that I was trying to be a jerk. I take complete responsibility for my actions and continue to try and get past them; only by learning from and conquering the past can we move on to living in the present and building a future. Raccouin's lesson was not wasted on me and I plan to continue to drive forward with it, with both Ernest and Caius, and with Duel. Duel's been an absolute peach this year; everytime I come home injured, she automatically starts treating me as my bednurse, and I almost feel bad that I have to keep having her do it. I'd do the same for her, no doubt, but for now that's just words.

And that doesn't even cover my sins on my world...the deal with Fenris that caused me so much grief and thus my time as an owl. The things I did with Dawn. How much I can fail if given a chance...eventually that'll come out, and I'll need to be ready to deal with it when it does. I'm not sure how I'll manage but I will, and then we'll move on to the reality, is that I have honor, I want to do what's best for the town, and I'm willing to give...everything...if that's necessary.

I hope Endymion feels good with his decision to put a word in to get me back in the Watch. I hope I've been of value to the Watch over the recent time period. I hope I can be MORE help in the future...and maybe, one day, I can get people to forget my transgressions, or grant that they were learning exercises for me that I've long since overcome.This seems like enough of an entry for now so I'm going to close it off, and make more in the future.
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