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Marius Blog

My Mindset, Views on RP, What I Learned and the Plots.

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The reason I post this here is, that my view of the plot and my current situation and role-play situation are all kinda tied up together and well… I want to put it somewhere.

I don’t really know where to put this tho, as Jakk wrote that she didn’t want to have any feedback to the plot yet, but I wanted to post my opinion about the plot somewhere and generally a few words about my relation to - well - myself and role-play. Maybe some off you have some advice or maybe it helps you. I don’t know. But I don’t want to load this into a never ending PM to any of my friends so …. Here we go.

As i already mention I am currently all over the place. My mood, wishes and fear seem to change on an hourly pattern. I am sure this doesn’t makes any sense, but I don’t know how to describe it.

I don’t really know what I want to do and mostly just do things out of an urge and less because of - anything else really.

I will only fix the grammar in the post and beside this just write, because otherwise I won’t be finishing this post.

Because at this point I recognised that this post is probably going to be more about myself and role-play and less about the plot. Just like… how it interacted with it.

Anyways.
I am currently trying to figure out my ‚identity’ more or less. I often did things just to be liked by others or just to be accepted as I had issues with fitting in socially. Always. In all spaces. And I switched classes like 4 times ? 5 times ? (Here that is often).
I also did a lot of things just to make ‚the right thing‘ always trying to be rational instead of doing what I like.

As y’all probably know, I am currently studying Politics. And that didn’t happen because I like politics. It was because It was required for a certain job, which would have offered security and money.

And I am definitely not happy with how that works out. I would rather do something were I am happy. But I got in such a web of peer pressure and social pressure, that I haven’t found out what that is. Only now that I am so depressed that I am forced to put my studies on halt I can slowly try to find out what I actually want.

But that takes energy, which I don’t have.
On some days it works, but on other it is hard. I spend most days just trying to collect the shards of my - well - I will just call it old life. The years I spend bouncing around trying to find a place, but never daring to go into ‚socially outlawed‘ areas. ‚Nerdy Things‘ DND as it was only played by ‚the weird ones‘.
Heck until 2 years ago I didn’t even know that there are trans people.
Anyways over those years a lot collected. Alt Right Contacts, racist memes, but also rules (dnd rulebooks) and places where I might be able to find others I can be friends with. And a hella lot of photos. Some of which I want to sell. That’s what I call shards.
I already removed the few contacts of the first category, once I found out who they really are, but in my collecting mania I still have a lot of the second category, which really needs to vanish.

With all of that I got trouble really recognising friends or getting into friend groups. Or at all - like social contact.
At the same time I also have a constantly changing mindset.
That really makes it hard for me to think myself into certain characters, especially Ray.

But Ray is another topic I am going to cover in a few paragraph.

With these Topic the Plot was really perfect for me.
I had to work together with others and that was really helpful. I didn’t had to bring myself into it, trying to be at the right times at the right places, but instead just had to do it, because people suddenly had powers that REQUIRED that.
Through that I also get to know Kru better then before. He’s a really cool guy, which I didn’t knew before.

At the same time the plot and the affects on Humphrey allowed me to play him like he had… similar mood swings to my ones. I was able to project these… conditions onto him and manage to hold myself stable while playing. If that makes any sense. I am not sure if it was recognisable from my play, but it did work in my head.
I am referring to the way that Humphrey’s Artefact affected his personality. Sorry.

Still after a limited amount of play or active brain usage my brain is just straight up empty. Which means that after writing this text I will probably not be able to play. Especially if I check if it makes sense lol (it doesn’t I can already say that)

Okay back to Ray and my … few with characters ? What did I write here. Back to Ray and my issues with Characters.

When I made Ray I still considered myself somewhat conservative - by German definitions. (don’t worry, that changed by now)

Ray was similar to me and I took many things against him personally. Which was a mistake and I did learn that by now, but those things still happened. With Humphrey it was different. I did improve there as he did have parts of me, but also parts who differ from me, which allowed me to play him as - well - a different person.
He has the people-pleasing I sometimes do and is as alienated from his society as I feel from my one. Other then I, he is rather simple and is interested in some mechanical things I am not interested in. Such as trains.

While playing Ray I often was pissed faaaar beyond reasoning because I couldn’t take part in Plots, but I did realise that it often is my own fault and the fault off the way I am playing. And by this point I forgot what I was trying to say. Darn. I did learn it tho and that allowed me to enjoy the recent plots (yay).

I did mention earlier that I am currently trying to collect the shards of my past. And during that I often find mistakes I made ages ago and chances I missed. So many things that cause negative emotions and that often brings me down. It is a challenge I am facing, while trying to somehow also manage life (just applied for a new job).

It often gets really bad and at this point I am no longer following the news to keep that few pieces of mental health I still got left.
I am also bingewatching MLP, just to have a bit of perfect/healthy world and to have my soul somewhat calm.

Some of you might have similar issues, but I don’t want to awaken the memories.

And i think the plot was perfect for the situation. It was serious, but also - very calm. Or relaxed. Funny. I think it was exactly what some of us needed.

The only ‚issues‘ I had was that the end of the plot immediately ended after the start of the fourth phase, which was a little sad, as there was no chance to play on phase 4.

Other than that I was very Happy with the plot.

I now try to work on a character, who Is similar to what I am at the moment (mindwise all over the place)

I want to let her have a similar upbringing to my one, with similar state of mind, to better project this…. Jumpy mind of mine. She won’t be trans tho and I have to look for a difference between the two of us.
She also Is meant to have similar loneliness issues.

Yeah i think that’s all I got to say for the moment. I will check Jakk’s post and my one again and see if anything pops up in my mind.

So i read Jakk’s post (partly) and especially the part about how she prefers more serious play where characters come together to solve an issue. 

I see what she means, but… what I found special about this plot is that it also had something to do for characters who weren’t directly in the action. Ray was in the plot scenes (the first one), but I also had had play I could do with Humphrey. I think it is really hard to explain. But what I meant is that everyone was a part of it.
Comparing it to the two plots that jump to my mind - the one with the fae potion and the timeshare one - this one did it really well.

The fae potion plot - Ray wasn’t in there at all. I am not mad about that, please don’t get that impression. I didn’t had any idea about what RP is about at that point in time. To be fair it is also to blame on the way I played Ray at that moment in time. Up until Crazy told me a bit about what happened afterwards I didn’t even know what was happening.

The Timescare plot - The Timescare plot worked better in my eyes, but that could also have been because I played different then. That plot also pulled every character in, as all of them had to come up with ideas, even those who haven’t been in the action. I can’t remember too much, but in some points in time I still had the feeling that Ray was just there doing the work of an NPC (mining and stuff). That being said, it was when my depression started to get worse and when I just was thinking about my play and what I want from it, so that did impact my perception.
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