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Colt111

(01) Pre-session thought organization or w/e

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It's tuesday. Right now, I'm standing on the surface of a dwarf planet located 18 light hours away from earth, in a different universe, in a body I struggle to see as mine and about to have yet another session with Fulton. It should feel alien, but after three years on Kaerwyn and a week here? It almost is calming to be this devoid of problems, if just for the nick of time I stay out here.

So far, I'm glad to say nothing bad happened. In fact, I'm glad I can be somewhere I'm useful after therapy, or that I'm allowed to walk out here to see the solar system for myself. I will ask for a session out here before I leave, but for now I'm glad Fulton has agreed to stay away from the room they gave me.

I don't know if I should talk about it with him, but it almost is as staring at my bed the days Shawley isn't around my flat, or just after I'm done cleaning. It's an immediate realization that I don't need it. I could just work with a desk, some tools and a computer and it'd be fine.

About that, turns out I became more complex than I could have ever imagined. The automated units keep me after work to give me the know-hows of cleaning and maintaining myself, possibly Prescott, Stew and Quec too. So far it has been fairly universal. If the cybernetics are still at home, I will have to ask Fril for some help just in case an accident happens.

Fulton has been encouraging that, er, to a point. I do have to make a parenthesis here to thank him for not giving up just yet despite how hard I made it, I guess? He wants me to try and think of the benefits I have now that I am nothing but some code to get used to being synthetic better or maybe apply them to my everyday life, including using my time to practice with the erhu, trying to connect more to my hobbies or giving myself the Hot Rod treatment, which I have been considering.

All in all, everyone has been borderline /nice/ to me, and I don't buy it.

What I don't yet understand is why he or anyone else haven't called me out yet. I am not sure if I want to continue this because sooner or later that topic will come. I don't want to think about how Quec turned me into what Eric wanted, or how I had no qualms about him getting shot that night.

I mean, is it so bad to lie to him? To try and keep the tale up that Prescott shot at him because I didn't yet lived off my usefulness? That Quec only 'fixed' me because he didn't want Aarth's high to go away?

Is it so bad that I don't want to think we are the same people we used to be?

If I just swallowed that and what the doc feeds me that none of us will go that far simply because we actively try not to, without anything real to keep us on track, it'd mean any slip could make us all fall down the rabbit hole now that the scripts needed to keep us sane are virtually impossible to apply.

That'd mean we can work against it. That'd mean we are who we claim to be.

That'd mean Prescott defended me and truly wants me to make some progress here, that Fulton really thinks what happened to me was unfair, that Quec is really feeling guilty of what he did and the Carlos Zanatta that doesn't feel an ounce of regret for taking aim against a friend or lying to another just to make them feel better is the only Carlos Zanatta that ever existed.

Just.. how bad is it to not want to face that, just a little longer?

Just.. what are the odds?




Quec, Stew, if you somehow find this, I'm sorry.
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