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Who Am I?

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Who am I?

The answer seems simple. I'm Lindsey Kelsey Stelzer.

But...who IS Lindsey Kelsey Stelzer?

ANd that's where I'm having trouble.

See, I'm a lot of things. I'm all of them, none of them, somewhere in between. At some times I take a role that's needed at the time. While I couldn't list them all here...

I'm Lindsey, the store clerk. And I'm Lindsey, the trainee META asset. I'm also Lindsey, Kaerwyn's big sister. Lindsey, the advocate for animal welfare. And finally...Lindsey, the Hero of Becksport.

And again. Which of these roles I am, or am not, varies from time to time...and with the addition of the last one up there, I'm fearing I'm losing myself somewhere along the line.

The Hero of Becksport saved Becksport from being blown up. But was that me? Was it a decision I made in panic, out of necessity, or out of true heroism? Does it matter? I won, but barely...I'm lucky I didn't get killed. But they call me that now, that I am a hero. What I've always wanted, to be a superhero...and suddenly I am...and I'm questioning it.

Not for what I did at Becksport. That Tugev shock trooper deserved what he got. I don't know what he was thinking, if he was ordered to sacrifice himself and the crew. Maybe it would've furthered the war. Probably would've furthered the war. He needed to be stopped, and I don't feel any guilt over knocking him into the water, or what happened to anyone else on that ship.

No, it's what's happened since that's gotten me worked up. I think it's gone to my head. I'm a hero, they say. In the comics, the movies, the video games, what the hero does is always right. Not necessarily because it is RIGHT, but because the hero does it, and everyone loves a good heroic narrative. And that's what worries me.

Since I found out I was the Hero of Becksport, I've killed twice. Once on accident, or so I tell myself. Once, realistically, was on purpose. When we were held up, we needed to do something. There may have been a better way to talk them down, or get out of it. But I still feel...guilty, about killing the first one. Not as much, since he had attacked us, but still. I attacked him, and he died because of it. But the second, the one in the camp I crushed...that was wrong. I went looking for a fight, got caught up in my own story, and I killed someone for it. And maybe their lives were already forfeit being bandits in Paat...I don't know. But I placed myself into the role of judge, found them guilty, jury, sentenced them to death, and then carried it out as executioner. That's a stain on my history, and no matter what people say about it, it was wrong of me. Instead Carl and Bernard talked their bandit down...that was what I should've tried to do. Not gone crazy as a mawa and crushed him underfoot.

I need to remember I've been given power, but I need to use it responsibly, not simply decide I'm better than people. That's a dark path, one I've already taken the first step down...and it scares me. I can't take any more steps. If I do... I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to come back.

I was more heroic at the attempted assassination, what with jumping out of the window and getting Will and the queen to safety before doing anything else, but I'm still worried that I'll fail when it counts to get Emm free, or that my rumors will precede me and make someone else do something dangerous. I hope that everything goes well... Kaerwyn is Emm's home and it's mine and we should both be there.

Since then, I've intervened in Tunc's shop twice to prevent thefts. Not particularly effectively, but I have. Both times I got pounded pretty hard, though not anything lasting. But... nobody would tell me anything. I confronted them about it later. It's no secret I've been dodging responsibility on Kaerwyn for years, really, but it's long past time I grew up. I know I can never go back from demanding to be treated like an adult... but it's time. I need to take a more active role in Kaerwyn and its future. I've been there nine years, the water behind my ears is long gone, and I need to be responsible. Both for those who are new, and to help those who know better than me. My dad didn't give his life so I could sit in shelter either and shirk from the powers I got. True, he never knew I got them, but I have to live up to his legacy, and that means gritting my teeth and leaving my childhood behind. I'm going to be a productive member of Kaerwyn, of META, I can't just sit by anymore. People's lives are in the balance and I have a responsibility to save them.

And now that I'm being told to train, well. If that's what they want me to do to accept me as a full member of Kaerwyn, to help them, that's what I'll do. I'll learn. I'll get people to teach me what I need to know, or I'll just practice on my own if nobody will help me. I could be overwhelmed, true, but that just means I'll need to focus down to a few areas I should be good at, and form my shape loadout around them.

First, I need a 'sneaky' form, and practice using it. A housecat might work for this, but something smaller might as well. A flying form is a no brainer, but perhaps one that draws less attention overall. Maybe a goshawk or cooper's? An owl could be useful too for the night vision. I need a strength/combat form, currently I've got the mawa. And I need to learn to fight in it, and practice this with people who know what they're doing. It also helps as a pack animal; if someone needs to move something a long way, I bet it has the strength like a horse does. That's three forms to begin with. I should probably keep one or two available for the local species if I'm going offworld or otherwise needing to blend in.

Lindsey Stelzer
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